Such a powerful night speaking with my dear sister Anasuya! I came to see a commitment I made to myself 5 years ago is no longer what I want. So I am making new choices and I am seeing things in a whole new light this morning and I don’t know “how” things will unfold with this new commitment to myself, but I am willing to change.
I also thank myself for the choices I made in the past because I needed time to heal and recover my heart. I needed time to live in a new way, free of my past history and all the pain I felt. I needed to rediscover myself and be free. Now I see that it served me well, but it is no longer necessary.
I also get why I chose it in the first place. After years of being bound and taking care of everything for someone else, I wanted to be free! I wanted to be ME! I remember saying to my ex, “Take everything, all I want is my freedom.” The universe was definitely listening because it took everything and it has been challenging to hold things for long because there was an internal decision of not really wanting anything that kept me bound or stuck to one person, one place, one viewpoint or set of conditions. I wanted to explore and know new ways of being and relating in the world. I knew there was another way and a new paradigm that existed and I wanted to discover it and experience it for myself. The truth is, many different ways and many different life choices exist, it’s thrilling to know we can choose anything! We can create any life that we want! How thrilling to truly know this.
So this morning I woke up with a new commitment to myself and that is to be full-filled in all ways and on a levels. I want to be spiritual and be in the world, I want to be in a relationship and have the freedom to be who I am in my true full self expression and as my dear sister Melody said to me, “What if you could have a relationship that is the vehicle to your freedom?’ I say, “YES!” and thanks Mel for your always great insight. I want to live in a beautiful home that is my foundation and travel the world, I want to be committed and be fully self expressed! I want to wear yoga clothes and beautiful lakshmi clothes with jewels and diamonds. I want to be down to earth and be glamorous. I want to chant and sing jazz and gospel. I want to compose, write new songs, sing and be in a band that is healthy and in their hearts, serving a higher love. I want to pursue my love of music and write books. I want to colorfully paint and dance wildly. I want to love with all my heart and have amazing passionate sex. These are only a few of the things I want because the list goes on and on. LOL! But Most of all I want to know my soul’s joy and true happiness. This and that, not this or that. Like a great chef, I get to combine and create my life from the things I love that make a juicy, delicious life! A life that nourishes my heart, mind, body and soul.
So I know things are changing because some things just aren’t okay anymore. My time is valuable, my voice is valuable, my offering of love is valuable, the time I spend counseling people and friends is valuable, my taking care of people’s pets (who are like their children) is valuable. My intelligence is valuable. My life experience is valuable. My insight is valuable. I am valuable and I matter and I deserve to have a space in this world that is mine because I deserve to be happy! YES, I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY just like everyone else I encourage and spend time counseling and cheering on. My life and my time are valuable! and from now on, I am going to treat myself as such, all the time. I’m not going to pretend that I’m not valuable anymore because I AM. I have so much to offer the world and a lifetime of experience working on all levels of music and the industry that have given me life skills that are lasting and of integrity and quality. I have been blessed with knowing amazing people in my life who have done incredible things with their life and talents, so I know the journey to greatness begins with self worth and value, you have to believe in yourself and I finally do! So from this moment on, I am no longer playing small because I will displease someone or lose a friend. I know who I am, that’s what this last 5 years have been about. Having the freedom to explore and find out what really matters to me and what I really want to do at this time in my life. Now I know. Now I am going to be living and making choices from this new knowing, which means letting go of the smallness and the people in my life who do not see my value, as well as the time spent working on projects or work that does not pay me in accordance to my value and experience.
With losing my phone, I also lost my contacts list. I know that only those people that are meant to be in my life will find their way back on the list. No more people who have used my phone as there dumping ground for their own problems or to relieve themselves of anxiety. I only want those people who honor me and my time. Also, I am ready to make room for love on the new phone and as much as I like texts, when someone I am interested in contacts me, I prefer phone calls. I am a sound person and I like to hear the tone and the way in which things are said. If you can’t take 5 minutes to pick up the phone to call me, I can’t take the time to be interested.
So here it is, not the whole picture, but thoughts for the day. I thank a special someone who came into my life in July of 2010 who showed me all the places I was blocking true love and continuing to chose unavailable people. Of course I did, I was unavailable myself, in my commitment to be free. They were my mirror. Thank you for showing me that and thank you for your part time love, which was all I could really handle because of all the hurt, fear, abandonment and anger that I was healing, which occupied the other part-time. But now, as I know who I am and what I want, I am ready to have a full time love. First with myself and then making space for someone else.
My new commitment is to a full-filling life and that means in all areas of my life. It means a life that fills me with all the good stuff! It means a life that allows me to be the full self expression of who I am, not just the sunny days, but the cranky days as well. It means not apologizing for being who I am. It means not having to perform for love or being “Perfect”, but being myself and still being loved and most importantly, it means having spiritual liberation and worldly fulfillment because if I am going to chose this life and live here on earth, then I want it to be a beautiful and abundant experience on all levels.
Thank you to my friends and family who have loved me and supported me in my process to arrive to this new place. Thank you to the man that was my mirror from July 2010 until last night and thank you to my angels for giving me grace to make it this far.
I look forward to the new chapter in my life, a new way of communication with myself and the world and to my new phone that carries the new vibration of true connection and authenticity.
Beloved creator, thank you for your unconditional love always and in ALL ways! ❤